South Africa: Issie Marenda

I am Issie Marenda, one of the San/Khoisan women at Northern Cape Kimberly in a place called Platfontein. I am a single mother of a handsome boy who is now 12 years old. I was born in 1987/06/27. I'm currently 37 years old. I was married off traditionally at the age of 16 years to a man that was 38 years old by that time; our age difference was 22 years; I was still in high school by that time. I felt uncomfortable with this whole marriage thing because I was still a teenager by that time. As time goes on, I need to accept the situation I was in and have to live with it even though I am not happy with it. As I have adjusted to my married life, I still have to go to school. I was mocked at school by my schoolmates; some decided to isolate themselves from me as they cannot be friends with a married woman. It made me feel sad. As my partner was older than me, all he says goes in the relationship, and that made me feel inferior because I don't really have a say in the relationship. One day I bought a summer short dress and I wore it inside the house, and I asked my husband how I looked in it. He shouted at me and told me to go and take it off as it is very short and revealing my legs for other men to see it, and it is not a proper way for a married woman to dress. I was broken inside. I was devastated because of the way he talked to me. I felt like I was worthless. Every time I try to raise these issues with my mom and how it makes me feel, she tells me a woman needs to be strong and not always run to her mom whenever having small arrangements with her husband. As time went on, I started growing up, and I was fed up with all the unfair treatment that I got from him. I remember this one incident. He told me he was going to church to pray at night, and I waited for him to come back home. It was getting late around past midnight. I was awake waiting for him to come back home, then I decided to lock the door and sleep with our son in the house for our safety reasons. Me and the boy were fast asleep when my husband came back from his church prayers as he said he knocked at the door, but as I was fast asleep, I didn't hear him knocking. He opened the door as he had the spare keys to the house and came inside the house to find me sleeping. He jumped on top of me and started beating me. By my surprise, I wake up from the beating; he is on top of me fighting me. I ask myself what wrong I have done, and then I try to hide my face so he cannot beat me by my face. Little did I know that he was cheating on me with a girl from our church. One day I find out from his firstborn son, who was my agemate, from his previous relationship that his father is cheating on me with a girl from our church. I confronted him about it; he denied everything, but I can see a lot of changes at home; he doesn't sustain us financially anymore; he doesn't provide for us anymore.When I cook food, he would tell me he is fasting, but still, he would buy takeout and eat; it carries on for quite a while. When he came back from work, he just changed his uniform, and then he was off to church. I tried to reach out to him several times to find out what really was going on, but he told me nothing and that everything was fine. At home, I don't have the right to watch soapies like 7DeLaan or Generations; he would shout at me and change the channel; we must only watch church-related things or programs at home. It makes me feel like I'm less of a woman; I'm not worthy anymore, I lost my self-confidence; I just lived life for the sake of living; nothing else matters to me anymore. I even stopped going to church. Then one day we had a family meeting with him (my husband), his elder sister, my mom, myself, and my two elder sisters. My mom asked us what is going on between the two of us. He couldn't wait for my mom to end her question; he just answered her without any respect that he is tired of me and he wants us to separate. I didn't see this one coming. I was shocked from 16 years old till I'm 34 years old. Now he wants us to separate. I was like, “WOW," deep down in my heart. The embarrassment in front of my family. Where do I go from here? Where did I go wrong? I felt like the earth must open up and swallow me alive. I cannot take it. Then one of my sisters intervened and said we are Christians; we cannot make such a big decision; we must try to look for a solution to whatever problems we are having and solve them because divorce is not an option, but my husband was standing on his word that he is done with me. Then I said it's fine. I don't force love; if he doesn't love me anymore, so be it. But deep down in my heart I was broken, ashamed, hurt, and devastated; it makes me feel really bad. I was emotionally, physically, and spiritually broken. I won't forget that day; it was on a Saturday, 6 February 2021.