South Africa: Shuriska Annika Stuurman

My name is Shuriska Annika Stuurman, I am 30 years old. I live in Touwsranten. I am the eldest child of 5 children. I grew up with my mother and grandmother. My mother and father only got married before my last brother was born. My father worked for 25 years at our local municipality. My father drank and smoked a lot at first and he used to chase my mother around and sometimes hit her. I stayed on with my grandmother and did not live with them. My mother would call me late at night to tell me to phone the police and then I had to get up and go to their house in the middle of the night. Sometimes it got so bad that the other children could not study for school because my father came in and wretched the whole house. My father went to a rehab programme through his work and was rehabilitated.He then changed his life as he was also a church goer. Sadly, he was diagnosed with cancer and passed away. My mother was never a drinker nor a smoker and worked as a domestic worker. Even though my father had a good job my mother always provided for us because my father never contributed towards us. But after he changed his life things got better and he started to help my mother in regards to us. I am currently unemployed. I have a son of 5 years old. I have met my son’s father through some friends of mine. When I got pregnant, my son’s father was nowhere to be found when I told him I was pregnant. He asked me to have an abortion but I refused to. So, he told me he didn’t want anything to do with me or my son. For years I raised my son on my own. He said such ugly words towards me that I messed up his life and he no longer wanted to see me, that I am not pretty enough and that he has found a new girlfriend and is no longer interested in me and my son. He also said that my son is not his child.I stayed in George during my pregnancy and I was employed but I became unemployed due to being sick during my pregnancy. I was forced to move back home to Touwsranten from George, due to my unemployment status. After giving birth to my son, I was so depressed that I sometimes felt like killing myself and my son. As I felt so worthless because of what my son’s father said to me. For a long time, I felt I was not worthy of love or to be loved by anybody. I got myself together and told myself that it will only be me and my son and that I am not willing to let any man near me again. I raised my son alone for 5 years. In the 5 years’ time I got dating requests from guys but I declined as I said it will only be me and my son and I was not prepared to put myself through that embarrassment. I had it in my mind that no good-looking guy would ever look my way, because as my son’s father said I am not pretty enough and I believed it.After the 5 years I decided that maybe it was time for me to start dating again. So, I asked the Lord to send someone my way. So, in that timeframe I came across two guys. It was my son’s father who was now separated with his girlfriend and wanted to rekindle things with me. Then on the other hand I had a guy who was the most good-looking guy I have ever seen, who showed interest in me. As society perceives its good for a child’s mother and father to be together. So, I had to choose then. I did go to see my son’s father again and wanted to make things work for the sake of my son, because his father was beginning to show interest in him and I thought that was a good thing.I was the one who helped him through his break-up and trying to get him his emotional state of mind. Then out of nowhere I got served with court papers to do a paternity test on my son. I was so devastated, because I thought we were friends. The day we were supposed to be at court, I was excited for my son because it would have been the first day for my son to meet his father. On that day we waited and he did not pitch up, instead he phoned me very drunk saying he still coming and he would take my son out to spoil him and all that pitched was him. So that day I decided that I am going with the other person who also showed interest in me. So that’s when I gave James a chance.At first, I did not want to have a relationship with him because we had an 8-year difference between us, as I was older than him. I had I child and he does not have any children. We started our relationship last year in September 2023. Messi was just a different type of guy. He was everything that I looked for in a relationship. We talked about everything. He told me personal stuff that nobody except me and him knew and I also shared my personal stuff with him. We talked about religion and God and he was supportive of me being a student. Messi also accepted my decision of not having sex, because I told him I did not have sex in the last 5 years so he said he will wait until I am ready.He visited me every day and we grew closer, sharing everything we felt we needed to share with each other. And I thought I was the luckiest girl on earth to have so much respect from this guy and him supporting me. But James grew a bit impatient as it was almost more than 3 months that we were dating and did not have sex. I spoke to some of my friends and they also felt I was unfair towards him. So, we decided to have sex but it was not how I pictured it to be, I wanted it to be special as James was very special to me. So, after that first time we would be having sex more often. James was a very honest person and I really appreciated that about him. But a few times after we sex, he told me that there was actually another person in his life. But the person is not staying in the same place as us, she stayed in another town and only came to visit in our town every now and then which is maybe 3 times a year. He asked me if I could accept that and that we can still continue our relationship, but I declined. I did not want to share him with someone else, so I broke things off. I was devasted how could this have happened but I could not move on and could not think of a life without James but I was not willing to share him. My father passed away a few months after we separated. One day when I was chilling with my friends James and his friends also pitched up at the place we were at. I walked with some of my friends to go and buy some stuff but he would not allow me to go if he is not going with. He went with, and along the road we got into an argument. He wanted to know why I was ignoring him and how bad I made him feel. The rest of the friends went without us and we were arguing alongside He suddenly grabbed my arms. I pulled and plucked around. I told him he was hurting me and that he should let me go as we no longer dating. He was so aggressive and my sister came to get me from him.The next day I explained to him how he has hurt me and that I had blue bruises all over my arms. He asked for my forgiveness and then all was good. James knew my father had a good job and he thought I always had money. That’s when he started to abuse me financially. He always would ask for money and I would always give. Sometimes I would even use my money for food or the money I had for my son’s school to give to him. Whenever he needed money, I would give it to him. Then James had a changed attitude towards me. Always when he was with his friends he would pretend as if we were not dating as if he was ashamed of me. He would always say bad things to me to belittle me. He would laugh if someone said something bad to me. On another occasion me and my friends had a braai and I invited James and his friend along. At the braai there was a lot of other guys also but we all knew each other. James grew jealous and I was unable to move without him for that whole evening. Everywhere I went he had to be with me. If I went to the toilet without his knowledge, he would send me a message and I would have to reply immediately otherwise he would be coming to look for me. So as the night went on, we had a good time and then suddenly we were arguing. James plucked me by the arm and took me away from the company. He just used to pluck me around to hurt me under my arms where nobody could see. He got so angry and I screamed for help. His friends heard and they came and he stopped grabbing me on my arms. We went on with the relationship but that evening he made me to be very scared of him when we argue.The next day he apologised and promised to never do that again. I started hearing rumours about James cheating and when I ask him about it he would just deny it. James became so distant from me but we still kept our relationship going. James’s birthday came up. And I wanted to plan something special for him. We planned a getaway for the weekend. We were a lot of his friends and my friends going on the trip. I paid for everything we needed for the trip and the accommodation. On arrival at our campsite everything was so nice and we enjoyed the evening, but as the evening progressed James got irritated and went to the room. I went to ask why he was like that and that I have gone out of my way to make his birthday special and he just said he was tired. I left him in the room and went to the rest of the company. We enjoyed ourselves without him then. After a while I went back to the room just to put warm clothes, he just started unnecessary argument. Then suddenly he began to slap me and start pushing me against the wall, he slapped me a few times and my mouth was bleeding. He stopped me from leaving the room.He pulled my clothes off and said I should not go anywhere. He choked me against the wall and stripped me off my clothes. I asked if I could use the bathroom which was opposite our dormitory, so when I reached the bathroom, I did not return back to the room. I went outside to the rest of the company and stayed there until they all returned back to the room. The next day we did not talk to each other. We spend the rest of the day together without talking to each other. We went on for a full week without talking to each other.Then that Friday evening James phoned me late night. So, he wanted me to get out of bed at 12 o’clock the evening to come to where he was. I didn’t want to go but somehow, he manipulated me and ended up going. So, he came to get me halfway. That was the first time we spoke after the fight. He said he was waiting for me to apologise for what happened that evening. I did not say anything as I was not the one that needed to apologise. When I was too quiet according to him. He asked me if I am not going to apologise and we started arguing again. He did not want me to go home and I so I managed to sneak out and went home. I have already decided that I am done with James because he made me scared. Eventually I managed to leave him for good.