Lesotho: Married to an alcoholic
<!-[if gte mso 9]>
<!-[if gte mso 9]>
I was married for only two years and now I am officially divorced. I sometimes feel embarrassed to tell my story and to declare that I only stayed in my marriage for two years. "Are you joking?À is one of the responses that I get when I tell my story. But seriously, I ask myself many questions, as to why I really got married and how come I was so blind. I do not know whether blaming myself is really fair or not. I do not remember any moment that I can describe as a "wowÀ or a particularly memorable one. My husband was a drunkard; in fact he was an addict. I remember when I first saw him, he was a charmer and he really swept me off my feet. We dated for two years and then we got married, I never knew he was an addict and he was able to pretend for two full years. It was not for long after that, he could not hide any longer. I was surprised to see him so drunk. He could not move or even utter a word. "Oh my God, what did I get myself into?À I asked.
I thought it was just a phase and it would pass. It did not; instead he went on and on until I had to do something. I phoned around to see if there was anywhere I could find help. I found a rehabilitation centre and I went to ask how things were run. When I came back and told him about the institution, he was furious and that night he tortured me, not physically but emotionally. He went on and on about what an unfit wife I was and he showed how much I undermined him. I felt guilty somehow and was not sure whether I had done the right thing in going there without telling him. I was shattered and did not know what else to do. The following day I called his mum to tell her about my problem, to my surprise, she was very supportive and promised that she would talk to my husband.
He went for rehabilitation and three months later he was back home. He looked much better and he promised that he would not go back to drinking. Do you think he meant what he said? Of course not; he only wanted me to feel sorry for him. He went back to his old habits but at that time he was sneaking and hiding his drinking. Who said a drunkard could hide? His smell said it all. He would say it was just a glass and it meant nothing. Every time we had an argument he would have just "one glassÀ as he used to say. Things became worse and soon he relapsed and at that time I did not know what to do. He became very violent and he was angry with me. He was angry that I had put him in the rehabilitation centre because I was a "control freak.À Sooner rather than later I was that suffering woman. I would stay all night waiting for him but he would not pitch, and at times when he did, he would cause a commotion in the house.
I tried to be strong and thought that he would change. He never did, instead he became worse. On pay day he would not come home because he was busy drinking "his moneyÀ as he would say. He told me he regretted the day he married me because he could not enjoy his money. I stayed in an empty house, with an empty heart. I longed for love; I longed to be treated like a woman should be. He was never there for me, he would just come home and sit on the couch and doze off. Time passed and there was no change. The most painful thing is that I waited for him with the hope that one day he would come around. I was devastated! I loved him too much and compromised my happiness for a very long time.
One day I decided that it was time to walk away. It was the most difficult decision I had ever made in my entire life. That day still plays vividly in my mind. I see myself packing my belongings while he slouched on the sofa snoring deeply. Tears were flowing down my cheeks as I had to kiss my marriage goodbye. I never looked back; it was as though I had lived ten years in prison, but it had been just two years.
I kept this bottled up and now having to write about it makes me realise how traumatised I have been. Looking at the situation right now I realise how selfish he was, how inconsiderate he was as I had given him unconditional love which he never gave in return. I have never looked back but the only thing that I regret is the wasted time that I spent with him and on top of it all is the vain hope that I had that he would change.
*Not her real name
This story is part of the "I" Stories series produced by the Gender Links News Service encouraging the view that speaking out can set you free.
