South Africa: Act Like a Man, Act Like a Woman - Rahlogane Phahlamohiaka

When Rahlogane Phahlamohiaka walked into a tavern dialogue in Orange Farm in November 2021, he had no idea that the conversation would change his life. Hosted by the Rise Up Against Gender Based Violence movement, the session was designed to challenge harmful norms and create safe spaces for men and women to talk openly about gender relations. For Rahlogane, it was a turning point.

“I learned that most men go through a lot and they don’t open up about what they are going through,” he reflects.

Before that day, Rahlogane admits that his approach to conflict was shaped by traditional ideas of masculinity where silence and aggression were seen as strength. But listening to other men share their struggles made him realise that violence is never a solution. It was a moment of awakening.

“I told myself that violence towards the other gender does not solve problems.”

A Personal Turning Point

The timing of the dialogue was significant. On the very day of the event, Rahlogane’s relationship was on the brink of collapse. His partner was packing her things to leave. In the past, such a situation might have triggered anger or harsh words. But this time, something was different. The conversation at the tavern had planted a seed.

“Over the texts that were exchanged, I was more polite than before.”

This shift may seem small, but for Rahlogane, it marked the beginning of a new way of thinking. A commitment to empathy, respect, and non-violence. He started paying attention to what people were going through in their relationships, especially men who often suffer in silence. He realised that creating spaces for men to open up could prevent gender-based violence before it starts.

Listening, Learning, Leading

Since that first encounter, Rahlogane has become an advocate for change. He follows media stories on GBV, engages in community conversations, and encourages men to attend Rise Up events. His goal is simple yet profound: to make men understand that problems can be solved without resorting to violence.

“To overcome this challenge, I need to be an example.”

This sense of responsibility is what makes Rahlogane a driver of change. He understands that transformation begins with personal accountability. By modelling respectful behaviour, he hopes to inspire others to break the cycle of violence.

Breaking the Silence

One of the most powerful lessons Rahlogane learned is that silence can be dangerous. Men often carry emotional burdens alone, fearing judgement or ridicule. This isolation can lead to frustration and, in some cases, violence. By speaking out and listening to others, Rahlogane is helping dismantle these harmful norms.

The tavern dialogues are critical in this process. They provide informal, accessible spaces where men can talk openly about their struggles without stigma. These conversations challenge toxic masculinity and promote healthier ways of relating to women and to each other.

A Vision for Change

Rahlogane’s journey is far from over. He wants to see more men embrace vulnerability and reject violence as a means of control. He believes that education and dialogue are key to building safer communities.

“I am starting to put my ears on the ground, to follow up on media, to know what people are going through in regards to GBV.”

His story is a reminder that change is possible when individuals take responsibility for their actions and commit to learning. It also underscores the importance of programmes like Rise Up Against Gender Based Violence, which create platforms for honest conversations and challenge deeply rooted cultural norms.

Why This Matters

Gender-based violence remains one of South Africa’s most pressing social issues. Initiatives like tavern dialogues are innovative because they meet people where they are—literally and figuratively. They recognise that changing behaviour requires more than laws and policies; it demands shifts in attitudes, beliefs, and everyday practices.

Rahlogane’s experience shows that these interventions work. They not only prevent violence but also foster empathy, understanding, and respect. His story is a call to action for men everywhere: to speak, to listen, and to lead by example.

By: Rahlogane Phahlamohiaka